he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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