toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
