I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
