No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Randomize