So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
