I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
