there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
