When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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