This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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