I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
