I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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