I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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