There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize