my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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