Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
