ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
