Betty ford says i'm here all night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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