Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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