she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
