if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
