It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
