I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
