Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
