think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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