is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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