So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
