Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
