so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
