its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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