theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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