Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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