She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
