The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize