btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
