so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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