I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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