cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
