omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
