Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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