You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
