I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
