I haven't been this sober since birth.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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