i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Randomize
