WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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