I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
