There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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