I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
