complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
