her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
