I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
