My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Someone came in the potted fern
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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