I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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