Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
