i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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