My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
should my penis look like a turkey
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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