i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
