well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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