Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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