stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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