3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
