I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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