If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
